Sometimes it’s hard, you get in so deep and you don’t know how far is too far. It’s scary, falling for someone. You’re so infatuated, yet scared that it won’t last as long as you want it to. I know forever is an unrealistic timeline for being together, but a couple months just won’t do. I see us in the long haul, going off to college and still being there for each other. I know I’m hard to deal with and a mess of emotions, but you stick by my side when I’m less than unlovable. I’m sorry for making things so difficult sometimes. It’s just hard for me to open up because I’m scared of what you’ll think of me. I don’t want to ruin anything with you because that’s how much you mean to me. And I know that I need to open up and let you see the side of me that I don’t show people, but that’s so hard for me. I can’t see myself falling for you, in love. I think about that word, “love”, every time I’m with you. It’s so hard because I’ve never felt that for someone before and I don’t know when it’s something I should say. I don’t even know if it’s something that you’re close to feeling, or if you’re ever going to feel for me. I just know that I want this thing to work, I want us to go far in life. 

// Kairos Poem//

Like a fish out of water

we wonder why we’re brought here.

We sit and we ponder,

spend hours gazing in the mirror

and still we struggle with being here.

We think of ways

to make life worth it.

Sometimes we spend days

and still cannot fit,

so we go inside the box

and decide to just sit.

In our box are highs and lows,

people who stayed and others who go.

And in the midst of being left,

we try to find ourselves, be kept,

but sometimes we were too afraid, never leapt.

We may not know who we are

and we may have to travel very far,

but from city to city, ocean to ocean,

we will find a way to just be again.

We will do more than just go through the motions.

Start with a white canvas,
Then paint it brutally dark.
Splash white deception
Upon the perfect darkness.
Drip pure blue from the top,
Just the way lies fall from the mouth.
Now kiss the center with red,
The rage caused by deception and lies.
Take a pair of scissors
And stab at the middle,
Just the way they did to your heart.
Take both hands and rip it apart
Until there is nothing left.

// White Everything//

     It started as a pace. Slowly back and forth until it wasn’t anymore. Then it became a jog, a run, a full out sprint. Down the corridor she went, nothing to see but white doors hinged on white walls. She sprinted down the hallway, trying to escape the place she’d been trapped for so long.

     For years she had lived behind the white door. Which door didn’t matter, behind every was the same four white walls with a bed covered in white sheets with white pillows placed upon a white comforter. If the voices inside your head hadn’t driven you completely mad, the absence of color that burned a hole in your retinas would.

     She had to escape. Escape from the walls, the voices, the everything that surrounded her. She was aimless, like everyone else sent to this place. The leftover trash of the world that needed to be dumped somewhere, and here she found herself. She didn’t want to be a part of the landfill. She didn’t want to be buried deep beneath the Earth, never to decompose, but to live forever among the filth that surrounded her. That’s why she needed to run away.

     She thought there had to be a better world out there, more than just white doors hinged on white walls. So down the corridor she ran, quickly, with every intention of getting out. But the more she ran, the longer the run seemed to take. The walls began to expand and more doors appeared on either side of her. She must’ve ran for hours down that hall, searching for the door that would take her out of that place. She never found it.

     She continued to run, continued to chase after something she swore had to be at the end of the passageway, but she was wrong. The passage never ended. She was stuck among the white walls, forever to spend her days and nights lying under white sheets, her head atop white pillows, never to decompose in the landfill she was sent.

// I would rather you be honest and tell me it’s just a hookup than lie and say you feel something. //

Why? Why did you say you would pick me up when I fall?

I told you to stop telling me lies, but instead you waited until I saw.

Saw the truth beneath deception, distortion of reality.

Did you think that the bleeding would turn to honesty?

You saw just where I was looking, right at you.

How could you just leave without giving me a clue?

You never told me that you weren’t real, a figment of imagination.

Just another person to be my fixation.

I cried for days when I found out what was and wasn’t real.

I hope you know it’s my innocence you steal.

I had so much faith in you, I gave you my love, my life.

Will I figure out what I’m saying is lies if I pick up this knife?

Maybe I’ll see you one day soon, but I won’t hold my breath.

There is no life with you after my death.